I never knew ....................
How does it feel to live with the guilt inside u that you could have saved someones life if u had reached on time .... and more if that someone was your own mother .
Well i know someone just like that and it happens to be my own brother , my cousin Anu , the spiderman of our family about whom i have mentioned in my earlier blog .
And worse that as a sister it took me 8 to 9 years to realise this .... am ashamed about this .
To know more about what am speaking about pl read http://firstsynn.blogspot.com read WAKING UP ... in it and then come back to this blog .
After his mothers death he did all sorts of crazy things ........ loitered around with friends , think tried drinking too , stayed out late , grew his hair in inhuman ways and so many mad things .. he was a rebel without a cause .
I always felt that now there is nobody to control him so he behaves as he was .......
At that point of time i was more angry than sympathetic to him ........ that he was not bothered about his sister or his father and was being vry irresponsible .........
After reading his blog ....... how wrong i was
He was doing all this to forget the fact that he held himself responsible for her death ..........that all alone he was suffering in the hell of guilt that IF he had reached there 5 minutes earlier he could have ... just maybe he could have saved her !
This feeling had got into a little boys heart some 8 years back and he had suffered it silently all these years ..... And as an elder sister i had never once tried to find out or speak to him about why he was as he was ..............
If i had spoken to him earlier maybe ....just maybe i could have brought him out of this guilt that ruined his life for these 8 or 9 years ........... I feel i failed him as a sister .....................
But in a way it gives some peace that my blog on our uncle led him to finally speak it out ... maybe just maybe ............ it is a penance for the wrong that i did to him .......... that I never knew .
But now i want the world to know that if Anu was near her at the time she left .... she would go with pain ..... because she would close her eyes and always carry with her the image of a scared little boy helplessly standing near her , not knowing what to do , and his tears would never give peace to her soul .....................
she loved u anu a lot and maybe just maybe that is why u reached her side unknowingly just at the moment her soul was set free .......... only u wre with her because she loved u best ...
So go on kiddo go on and live ur life now just the way she wanted it to be ............ Am always there for u .
But am sorry that ............I never knew ....
Well i know someone just like that and it happens to be my own brother , my cousin Anu , the spiderman of our family about whom i have mentioned in my earlier blog .
And worse that as a sister it took me 8 to 9 years to realise this .... am ashamed about this .
To know more about what am speaking about pl read http://firstsynn.blogspot.com read WAKING UP ... in it and then come back to this blog .
After his mothers death he did all sorts of crazy things ........ loitered around with friends , think tried drinking too , stayed out late , grew his hair in inhuman ways and so many mad things .. he was a rebel without a cause .
I always felt that now there is nobody to control him so he behaves as he was .......
At that point of time i was more angry than sympathetic to him ........ that he was not bothered about his sister or his father and was being vry irresponsible .........
After reading his blog ....... how wrong i was
He was doing all this to forget the fact that he held himself responsible for her death ..........that all alone he was suffering in the hell of guilt that IF he had reached there 5 minutes earlier he could have ... just maybe he could have saved her !
This feeling had got into a little boys heart some 8 years back and he had suffered it silently all these years ..... And as an elder sister i had never once tried to find out or speak to him about why he was as he was ..............
If i had spoken to him earlier maybe ....just maybe i could have brought him out of this guilt that ruined his life for these 8 or 9 years ........... I feel i failed him as a sister .....................
But in a way it gives some peace that my blog on our uncle led him to finally speak it out ... maybe just maybe ............ it is a penance for the wrong that i did to him .......... that I never knew .
But now i want the world to know that if Anu was near her at the time she left .... she would go with pain ..... because she would close her eyes and always carry with her the image of a scared little boy helplessly standing near her , not knowing what to do , and his tears would never give peace to her soul .....................
she loved u anu a lot and maybe just maybe that is why u reached her side unknowingly just at the moment her soul was set free .......... only u wre with her because she loved u best ...
So go on kiddo go on and live ur life now just the way she wanted it to be ............ Am always there for u .
But am sorry that ............I never knew ....
Comments
now cheer up, and show me a smile.. :-)
What's fascinating about the Yellamma story is that what began as a figure in Jain mythology is very much part of the Hindu religion today in Karnataka. This happened because many of the old Jain basadis (shrines) were converted into Hindu temples... the supposed 'Godliness' of these figures does not interest me at all. What is more interesting is its historical aspect. As you might have guessed, I try to stay away as far as possible from the various godmen and -women (Kalki, Sai Baba and the rest) that litter our consciousness today.
-Dev :-)